Summer, Fall, and musings on my future.

Currently I am sitting in Dollop, one of the more exquisite coffee shops on the graduate school hierarchy of priorities. It has, (1) Metropolis Coffee (2) Is far North enough that usually people I know aren't here (3) Free wireless (4) on-street parking (5) comfy couches.

And I am contemplating my life.

So I'll chat at you about it for awhile, get everyone caught up, and perhaps get myself out of the little funk that I am currently in (not to mention avoiding work for yet another half-hour).

School:
-Dissertation proposal is going forward-ish, after a long standstill. I was so frustrated when the second iteration was rejected at the end of the Spring quarter that it took a long time for me to be able to really look at it again. I have yet another idea for yet another revision / compression of yet another angle of this damn thing, so I'm going to try and get a draft written before school starts (that’s 4 weeks, folks). I'll show it to my chair at the very beginning of the quarter and see if I can get him on my side this time.

I would show it to the entire committee at the same time again, but really - I can't handle that kind of rejection right now and last time it was beyond brutal. I've taken all their advice and restructured my ideas to be generated specifically from 19th century gothic texts and I really think that I have something this time.... Of course, last time and the time before I thought I had something too.

So yeah, I'm a little bummed about it. It's hard to get worked up about something you know will be eviscerated.

Work:
- As my method of avoiding said dissertation and making sure that I can, you know, eat this year now that my fellowship has expired I am working on 5 jobs.

(1) CAAP instructor for the incoming freshmen
(2) Preceptor for undergrauate English honors BA theses
(3) Writing intern for humanities core
(4) Hopefully a second session of writing interning for the humanities core
(5) Hopefully assistant director of the writing program (keeping fingers crossed)

With 5 jobs I just might be able to pull off a living wage and keep the wolves at bay. Ah, grad school. Of course, only one of these jobs has started as of yet, so I'm still experiencing end-of-summer-graduate-student-cash-flow. Sigh.

I'm also looking at another job out-of-state for next school year. I'll let you know more if I get it.

Home:
- Our apartment is a mess. I'm refinishing / restructuring the coffee table, painting a jewelry box for my sister, framing pictures, painting lamps, refinishing a trunk, and putting wheels on the heavy furniture. Most of this is already done, and now everything is about 2 days away from reasonability, so living in squalor is about to end. This has all been, I believe, an elaborate system to keep me from getting work done on my dissertation and allowing me a chance to unwind a bit before the year starts up again.

Health:
- But I'm still really burnt out and pretty depressed. All that hospital time served to prove that I don't have seizures, however, it still didn't go anywhere near saying what the problems I'm having may actually be. So for now I am back where I started with just a little more knowledge of what it's not and a lot of bills. If I'm going to get this figured out, I have to do it by the end of October before my insurance resets my deductible. While I'm in there I should also see someone about my feet because they hurt like a bitch all the time. I have, however, dropped a pant size and that, my friends, is a very good thing. My goal is size 10. Can we reach it? I have no idea. Will we try? Yes we will.

Family:
- My mom seems to be freaking out, again, about the fact that she and I don't have a good relationship. I find this rather strange because she was the one who wrecked it in the first place. My sister and I, on the up side, are getting along great and we are finally getting to see one another without mom. I'm really starting to get along with the boy's mom, which is a great thing - except that it's making my mom jealous and then I have to field another barrage of well-intentioned-but-ill-executed attempts to "understand me" through point-blank questioning. I really have no idea what to do about this. She's started pumping my sister for information which is turning out to be a frustrating thing, and so I'm going to have to have a conversation with my mom soon - I've just been putting it off because I'm a sissy. My boy is also depressed and very grumpy from the massive amount of work that he is doing and hours that he is putting in (and also the apartment squalor - see above), but I think (hope) things will be getting better soon.

Wedding proposal?
- nothing on the horison, I'll let you know if anything happens. I've given up on the bridal magazines now - I mean, what's the point?

So yeah, I'm floating out to sea right now, but I will be back in the race just as soon as I can navigate this rip tide, and those shoals, and ah... I see... sharks.

Ok. I need to list something good. Some good things. er....

(1) I get to get new school supplies.
(2) having lots of jobs structures my time
(3) they might like my dissertation this time
(4) having a better relationship with my mother could be... nice.
(5) It's not like the boy is leaving me, he is just taking his time.
(6) Soon I will have a lot of nice things in my apartment
(7) I have 4 weeks to get the proposal done, and I've been reading primary sources all summer so it will be ok
(8) Although some friends are going overseas, others are coming back soon.
(9) I'm healthier than I've been in awhile.
(10) it's not seizures.. I get to keep my drivers license.
(11) my sister is cool.

There, I feel better. Time to read "Plain and Ugly Janes: The Rise of the Ugly Woman in Contemporary American Fiction" and finish my coffee.