Two postings in a DAY!
New Car Suggestions
Ford Subaltern: This car is unlike every other car. Unique in its otherness, and yet nearly impossible to notice when collected with other cars. For the person who wants a car that is different yet utterly unnoticeable, the Subaltern is perfect choice. Now with life-like speech responses instead of dimly-lit warning lights.
Ford Abject: This car is entirely upholstered in the finest milk-skin and comes complete with fingernail and toenail clippings in every ashtray and convenient jets that spray chilled bodily fluids on the passengers at random intervals.
Nissan Hermeneutic: This car drives itself, and you must program into the onboard computer a system of meaning for the various signs it will encounter. Thus a given “stop” sign can for the hermeneutic signify “merge left” which our precision engineering will execute with exacting detail.
John Deere Deconstruction: This vehicle starts out simply grand, but as it begins to move, the manifold possible uses for each part begin to come into conflict and eventually outright contradiction with one another resulting in the systematic shedding of essential parts by the roadside. Comes complete with replacement parts, tautologies, and scrabble pieces for making up your own words to codify your frustration.
Chrysler Aura: This is a one of a kind vehicle, meticulously handcrafted by the finest Swiss watchmakers, painters and mechanics (on display at the Smithsonian behind bulletproof glass) now mechanically reproduced so that everyone can own their very own car just as unique as the original. This car cannot be driven unless surrounded by the appropriate scenery, cannot be approached or started without due reverence, and always loses a certain something when we try to put it on the assembly line. You have to see it in person to believe it.
Toyota Instantiation: This car is utterly remarkable. Its body is made entirely of a flexible plastic material coated with our patented color changing paint. With just a twist of a dial your Instantiation can be a Jaguar, a Cadillac, a Humvee, or a Dodge Caravan. Instantiatie your vehicular dreams with this vehicle – all vehicles.
Ford Panopticon: Rebuilt from our Crown Victoria body, the Panopticon has a glass roof, opaque dividers between the passengers, no windows, and the driver rides on an aerial platform from which he can observe the inhabitants of his car without being observed. The perfect car for soccer moms sick of fights in the backseat and Mafiosos who prefer to keep an eye on their associates (note: has been known to unsettle small children)
Infinity Aporia: Look at the trees, aren’t they beautiful? And those stars, aren’t they grand? Look around you and experience the wonderfulness and fullness of the world around you – the life bubbling out of every surface. All of these myriad things are not the Infinity Aporia.
Schwinn Liminal: The narrowest car on the market, the Liminal exists on the boundary between bike and car. With a completely permeable exterior wall and an interior that is constructed with an optical illusion to make it seem as though it is no more than three inches wide, the Schwinn Liminal can be parked anywhere. It fits perfectly on lot lines, doorways, and both inside and outside of the garage (at the same time!)
Cadillac Cathexis: You will love this car. It will remind you of your mother’s warm embrace when you sit on our leather seats. It will remind you of your first kiss when you touch up your lipstick in your rearview mirror. It will remind you of the man that got away when you bang your head impotently on the steering wheel in a traffic jam. This car is covered entirely in a fine polyester mesh that attaches to your clothing and keeps you near it at all times. In fact, in our special Meloncholia Edition there is a syringe in the glove box with a bit of the steering wheel inside so that you can take the Cathexis with you wherever you go.
Ford Subaltern: This car is unlike every other car. Unique in its otherness, and yet nearly impossible to notice when collected with other cars. For the person who wants a car that is different yet utterly unnoticeable, the Subaltern is perfect choice. Now with life-like speech responses instead of dimly-lit warning lights.
Ford Abject: This car is entirely upholstered in the finest milk-skin and comes complete with fingernail and toenail clippings in every ashtray and convenient jets that spray chilled bodily fluids on the passengers at random intervals.
Nissan Hermeneutic: This car drives itself, and you must program into the onboard computer a system of meaning for the various signs it will encounter. Thus a given “stop” sign can for the hermeneutic signify “merge left” which our precision engineering will execute with exacting detail.
John Deere Deconstruction: This vehicle starts out simply grand, but as it begins to move, the manifold possible uses for each part begin to come into conflict and eventually outright contradiction with one another resulting in the systematic shedding of essential parts by the roadside. Comes complete with replacement parts, tautologies, and scrabble pieces for making up your own words to codify your frustration.
Chrysler Aura: This is a one of a kind vehicle, meticulously handcrafted by the finest Swiss watchmakers, painters and mechanics (on display at the Smithsonian behind bulletproof glass) now mechanically reproduced so that everyone can own their very own car just as unique as the original. This car cannot be driven unless surrounded by the appropriate scenery, cannot be approached or started without due reverence, and always loses a certain something when we try to put it on the assembly line. You have to see it in person to believe it.
Toyota Instantiation: This car is utterly remarkable. Its body is made entirely of a flexible plastic material coated with our patented color changing paint. With just a twist of a dial your Instantiation can be a Jaguar, a Cadillac, a Humvee, or a Dodge Caravan. Instantiatie your vehicular dreams with this vehicle – all vehicles.
Ford Panopticon: Rebuilt from our Crown Victoria body, the Panopticon has a glass roof, opaque dividers between the passengers, no windows, and the driver rides on an aerial platform from which he can observe the inhabitants of his car without being observed. The perfect car for soccer moms sick of fights in the backseat and Mafiosos who prefer to keep an eye on their associates (note: has been known to unsettle small children)
Infinity Aporia: Look at the trees, aren’t they beautiful? And those stars, aren’t they grand? Look around you and experience the wonderfulness and fullness of the world around you – the life bubbling out of every surface. All of these myriad things are not the Infinity Aporia.
Schwinn Liminal: The narrowest car on the market, the Liminal exists on the boundary between bike and car. With a completely permeable exterior wall and an interior that is constructed with an optical illusion to make it seem as though it is no more than three inches wide, the Schwinn Liminal can be parked anywhere. It fits perfectly on lot lines, doorways, and both inside and outside of the garage (at the same time!)
Cadillac Cathexis: You will love this car. It will remind you of your mother’s warm embrace when you sit on our leather seats. It will remind you of your first kiss when you touch up your lipstick in your rearview mirror. It will remind you of the man that got away when you bang your head impotently on the steering wheel in a traffic jam. This car is covered entirely in a fine polyester mesh that attaches to your clothing and keeps you near it at all times. In fact, in our special Meloncholia Edition there is a syringe in the glove box with a bit of the steering wheel inside so that you can take the Cathexis with you wherever you go.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home