On Being a Big Girl
I’m an overweight person – dare I say it? Fat.
Ugh. That word is a social taboo these days. I know, I know, I’ve heard all the phrases “big is beautiful” and “curvy women are pretty women”, but of course, no one really believes that do they? Deep down?
I would like to be thin. Or, really, not even thin – I would totally go for normal-sized as in healthy, happy, physically fit and not anorexic. Like a size 8? 6? I would actually like to put on my clothes in the morning and not be appalled when I look in the mirror.
So the diet.
And the exercise.
Doesn’t help.
The reason? Oh, there’s lots of them – I’m predisposed to cheating because I hate chicken and always have. There are only so many things that people can do to chicken to make it taste less like wet tissue paper, and they all involve butter which is verboten
I’m predisposed to avoiding walking because I am lazy and hate the idea of getting home and night and dragging my overtired and sleep deprived boy out on lakeshore.
Of course, he gets upset when we don’t walk because he hates the idea of not exercising
So really I’m whining about things that are my fault. I need to be healthy. How to do it is before me, and I hesitate on the edge like a kid afraid of water. Why? Let’s think of the psychology of a fat girl for a minute. I’m probably one of the bigger people you know. I weigh in at 188 more or less. That’s a lot of me. People say things when I walk by. Nothing that I can wear will hide the fact that there are 188 pounds to me. Add an anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and you have pretty much the whole picture.
Yeah? You say. Your own damn fault, you say (of course, not the mental disease, just the weight). And really, it’s true. I have no one to blame but myself here. Really, I could have lost 20 pounds or so already since the start of this new diet – dare I say “lifestyle change”. But, you see, my lifestyle hasn’t changed, because I really believe, deep down, that I will always be a fat girl. I don’t even know what it’s like to be thin. And really, it’s scary to even think of being thin. When will it stop? Will I become one of those diet-obsessed people who exercises 3 or 4 hours a day just to maintain my new weight? And when I inevitably rebound, think of the depression. A study asked a group of people who had lost weight whether they would rather be big again or blind, and they chose blindness over being big. BLINDNESS! That is fucked up, my friends. Will I have to eat chicken forever? Of course.
Look, I will never be an athlete. My joints are so fucked up that I’m lucky I can still walk. Every time I exercise, I need to take ibuprofen to reduce the swelling in my appalling toe of stupid irritatingness. So, I can’t run a marathon. I could walk a marathon, but that’s really kind of sad.
So I will never be one of those people who can eat whatever they want and be ok. I will always be counting calories, carbs (fiber and sugar), fat grams, and nutrients. And the more weight I lose, the more obsessed I will become with these things (because, of course, I have an obsessive personality). And I will become one of those people.
And I probably can’t even aspire to being a diet-obsessed neurotic because I can’t even get that far.
Ah, well. So here I am, a skim latte in hand and a bowl of cheerios in my stomach, beginning afresh for the 30th time. Perhaps this will be the charm.
Ugh. That word is a social taboo these days. I know, I know, I’ve heard all the phrases “big is beautiful” and “curvy women are pretty women”, but of course, no one really believes that do they? Deep down?
I would like to be thin. Or, really, not even thin – I would totally go for normal-sized as in healthy, happy, physically fit and not anorexic. Like a size 8? 6? I would actually like to put on my clothes in the morning and not be appalled when I look in the mirror.
So the diet.
And the exercise.
Doesn’t help.
The reason? Oh, there’s lots of them – I’m predisposed to cheating because I hate chicken and always have. There are only so many things that people can do to chicken to make it taste less like wet tissue paper, and they all involve butter which is verboten
I’m predisposed to avoiding walking because I am lazy and hate the idea of getting home and night and dragging my overtired and sleep deprived boy out on lakeshore.
Of course, he gets upset when we don’t walk because he hates the idea of not exercising
So really I’m whining about things that are my fault. I need to be healthy. How to do it is before me, and I hesitate on the edge like a kid afraid of water. Why? Let’s think of the psychology of a fat girl for a minute. I’m probably one of the bigger people you know. I weigh in at 188 more or less. That’s a lot of me. People say things when I walk by. Nothing that I can wear will hide the fact that there are 188 pounds to me. Add an anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and you have pretty much the whole picture.
Yeah? You say. Your own damn fault, you say (of course, not the mental disease, just the weight). And really, it’s true. I have no one to blame but myself here. Really, I could have lost 20 pounds or so already since the start of this new diet – dare I say “lifestyle change”. But, you see, my lifestyle hasn’t changed, because I really believe, deep down, that I will always be a fat girl. I don’t even know what it’s like to be thin. And really, it’s scary to even think of being thin. When will it stop? Will I become one of those diet-obsessed people who exercises 3 or 4 hours a day just to maintain my new weight? And when I inevitably rebound, think of the depression. A study asked a group of people who had lost weight whether they would rather be big again or blind, and they chose blindness over being big. BLINDNESS! That is fucked up, my friends. Will I have to eat chicken forever? Of course.
Look, I will never be an athlete. My joints are so fucked up that I’m lucky I can still walk. Every time I exercise, I need to take ibuprofen to reduce the swelling in my appalling toe of stupid irritatingness. So, I can’t run a marathon. I could walk a marathon, but that’s really kind of sad.
So I will never be one of those people who can eat whatever they want and be ok. I will always be counting calories, carbs (fiber and sugar), fat grams, and nutrients. And the more weight I lose, the more obsessed I will become with these things (because, of course, I have an obsessive personality). And I will become one of those people.
And I probably can’t even aspire to being a diet-obsessed neurotic because I can’t even get that far.
Ah, well. So here I am, a skim latte in hand and a bowl of cheerios in my stomach, beginning afresh for the 30th time. Perhaps this will be the charm.
2 Comments:
Whoa...walking a marathon is not sad. That's awesome! And a hell of a lot of calories. You have to be pretty fit--overweight or no--to walk 26 miles. And I guarantee you that if you go at a brisk pace, you'll pass some of the runners (who might be making running motions, but are barely making it through the next mile).
Maybe your body type is not one built to be thin. (I don't know you, so I don't know.) But everyone can develop a healthier relationship to food, while still enjoying eating. And everyone can become more fit. It takes work, and definitely a buddy system, though. But if you have the tenacity to get through a Ph.D., you have what it takes to take the necessary steps to feel better about your appearance.
You're right, I think, that people don't *really*, deep down, buy into the whole "big is beautiful" gimmick. But most people will agree that thin does not necessarily equal beautiful, either. Confidence, however--comfortableness in one's own skin--is always hot. Throw in intelligence, humor, & style, and you've won.
Sure, if you're fat, many people are just going to see you as that: fat. But if they're that narrow-minded, you don't want or need them, anyway. Fuck 'em. All but a few folks become fat by middle age, anyway, unless they have very good genes or healthy eating and exercise habits.
You can do it.
By
Anonymous, at 10:04 PM
I think it's pretty awesome actually that you're trying in the first place. Fuck what other people think about how you look, or what judgements they pass on you.
But I hope you remember that your health is what's most important--emotional health as well as physical health. And if you take a healthy attitude towards food, and towards weight loss in general, it'll make things much easier for you. You don't have to eat chicken all the time--there's lots you can eat and still be healthy. And if one form of exercise hurts your body, try another--swimming, or low-impact aerobics.
And what the other anonymous guy/gal said about marathons is totally right. If you can walk 26 miles, you're in good shape. And you still burn the same number of calories as if you ran it (about 100 calories/mile, walking or running).
By
Anonymous, at 10:05 PM
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