Good evening - Bad Movie.

So I saw the movie Catwoman tonight about - er... 3 hours ago, and I have to say that on the KT rating scale it was extra-special crappy (not to be confused with the extra-special crappy with crappy sprinkles on top that is reserved for the atrocity "Phone Booth" - I can only hope that the entire existence of that movie was the result of my being part of someone else's very bad LSD trip in the back seat of a Volkswagen bus in 1992 - very very bad).

Catwoman has only one thing working in its favor - i.e. the ever-enticing Halle Berry in skin-tight slashed leather. This, my friends, although a fine reason to create a 2-hour porn movie, is not a good reason to create a 2-hour sin against the cinematic arts. With such zippy one-liners as "it’s overtime" and "cat got your tongue?" Catwoman doesn't so much prowl as back sheepishly into a plot with all the density of extra-fluffy cotton candy. And, as an open note to producers and scriptwriters everywhere: although I know that superhero origins are always extremely contrived - I refuse to accept the moment in this movie where the talking cat from the scoopable cat-litter commercial turned centuries-old temple cat of Bast walks up onto the chest of the sewage-encrusted and newly deceased Halle Berry and gives the mystic green halitosis of life - thereby imbuing the newly revived Berry with the mystic catlike skills of (among other things): playing kickass basketball, a cosmetology degree in hair design, and goldsmithing abilities that allow her to turn one UNHOLY ugly necklace into a full set of diamond-tipped claws in the space of an evening (while simultaneously buying a great deal of bondage gear). This, producers, seemed slightly implausible to me.

Suggestions for the movie:
1) Porn Flick - clearly the best option (and really why people are seeing the movie anyway)
2) Actual Plot? - perhaps something better than "Catwoman stops a company from releasing beauty cream that makes people *gasp* ugly"
3) Have Uma Thurman come in with a Hanzo blade to kick the ass of everyone in the film and then demand the leftover body parts as her own.

All of this despite the fact that I went in to the movie with the lowest of expectations. I mean low. And I was still disappointed - even bored. Bored? With Halle Berry in leather? Yes. Bored.

Do not, however, think that the badness of the movie was an indicator of the quality of the evening. You see, I went up to Gurnee to hang out with the elusive Becky (who knew?) after receiving her very long comment on my blog earlier. Things are great, we caught up on everything and hopefully will be getting rather drunk together this weekend. Ah the power of the blog. We shopped for and she bought the pinkest shoes that I have ever seen (bordering on radioactive - If I can't have children in 5 years, I'll know why) and we wandered around Gurnee Mills: also known as "a mile of eighties pastel nightmare", "the mall that time forgot", and "spaciotemporally distorted in such a way as the outside of the building cannot in any way contain the inside of the building" (you know the "wrong geometry" in “Call of Cthulhu”? THAT kind of geometric distortion. I really expect that someday the ones from beyond the stars will rise up from their watery sepulchers in the Rainforest Cafe pond and bring havoc and chaos in its raw form to the good citizens of Gurnee).
 Oh my. Clearly I am on a roll tonight. Let it end here. Becky - it was good to see you and I had a blast. Catwoman is extra bad. Gurnee Mills is strangely attractive. I like shiny objects. Goodnight.