And they said I was Mad, MAD I SAY!
So today was a day of website goodness. That is - meetings were held in which I displayed much website to many people who collectively said something along the lines of "ah".
This is much better than "aieee" or "no" which are two words (noises?) that I have come to fear.
These were both words uttered by me at various points on my journey home. I would like to send an open letter to those of you who drive on the Kennedy Expressway in the evenings.
Dear Sir or Ms,
You drive like a moron. No offense, but there is a serious lack of panache in your driving style - not to mention a lack of safety, regard for others' safety, and interest in the rules of the road. The very idea of you existing as a possible hazard with which I will meet on my travel home is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. Yes, Mr. BMW, I'm talking to you. You do not know the meaning of the turn signal. It is that thingy which clicks when you lift up on it. It is the thingy that ALLOWS OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO MERGE IN FRONT OF THEM. This would be a good thing to remember if you don't want me to hit your shiny new car. Mr. Truck... I see you hiding there, come out where I can see your eyes - you are so much worse. See that turn signal thingy that Mr. BMW doesn't know how to turn on? You apparently have no idea that it turns off as well. Do you have any idea how unnerving it is to drive behind a car which seems to be (at any moment) ready to merge left for 20 miles? You thought that I forgot about your attempt to merge RIGHT INTO a car in the left lane in front of me this evening? That was not nice and nearly incited me to throw a handful of dates at your ill-washed vehicle. Don't even get me started Miss Minivan...
Thus, KT's rules for the road - adapted for Chicago drivers with suggestions for punishments of violators:
1. The turn signal is your friend - know it, love it, use it. Violators will have to tow one of those construction arrows behind their car for a month while listening to the verse "the signal on the bus goes click click click" from the popular "The wheels on the bus go round and round" sung by an atonal choir of children.
2. Speed, for God's sake! No one ever goes anywhere NEAR the speed limit so just keep up with traffic. Violators will have their foot encased in a lead shoe and glued to the gas pedal of a stationary car while they watch repeated loops of the jump to hyperspace in Return of the Jedi.
3. Phones, drinks, and flossing are activities allowed in cars that are moving - eye makeup in the rearview or eating with chopsticks are not. Violators will be subject to squads of white trash ninja hairdressers who land on the roof of the car, break through the windows, and style the offender's hair into the 80's ratted wave of bangs with badly done blonde highlights. Extra mirrors will be added to the dashboard to complement the effect.
4. If someone lets you in, you must WAVE to acknowledge the niceness of the person letting you in - because really - we could have driven past your sorry ass and left you at the end of the traffic jam. Violators will be tied to the back of a semi and have a bevy (an entire bevy) of schoolchildren jeer at them while sticking out their tongues and chanting selected portions of "All I need to know I learned in kindergarten".
5. Stop signs are for stopping. That's why they're called Stop signs. This may seem elementary, but apparently people in Chicago do not understand this concept. Violators will be forced to spend a month working as a crosswalk guard outside a southside highschool in purple plaid pants.
Really - that should cover my annoyances for the day. I have found that the best method of retaliation when people clearly violate my car's personal space is to stick my tongue out at them. Somehow, the strangeness of this gets through and I at least get the sorry shrug. Ah well.
This is much better than "aieee" or "no" which are two words (noises?) that I have come to fear.
These were both words uttered by me at various points on my journey home. I would like to send an open letter to those of you who drive on the Kennedy Expressway in the evenings.
Dear Sir or Ms,
You drive like a moron. No offense, but there is a serious lack of panache in your driving style - not to mention a lack of safety, regard for others' safety, and interest in the rules of the road. The very idea of you existing as a possible hazard with which I will meet on my travel home is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. Yes, Mr. BMW, I'm talking to you. You do not know the meaning of the turn signal. It is that thingy which clicks when you lift up on it. It is the thingy that ALLOWS OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO MERGE IN FRONT OF THEM. This would be a good thing to remember if you don't want me to hit your shiny new car. Mr. Truck... I see you hiding there, come out where I can see your eyes - you are so much worse. See that turn signal thingy that Mr. BMW doesn't know how to turn on? You apparently have no idea that it turns off as well. Do you have any idea how unnerving it is to drive behind a car which seems to be (at any moment) ready to merge left for 20 miles? You thought that I forgot about your attempt to merge RIGHT INTO a car in the left lane in front of me this evening? That was not nice and nearly incited me to throw a handful of dates at your ill-washed vehicle. Don't even get me started Miss Minivan...
Thus, KT's rules for the road - adapted for Chicago drivers with suggestions for punishments of violators:
1. The turn signal is your friend - know it, love it, use it. Violators will have to tow one of those construction arrows behind their car for a month while listening to the verse "the signal on the bus goes click click click" from the popular "The wheels on the bus go round and round" sung by an atonal choir of children.
2. Speed, for God's sake! No one ever goes anywhere NEAR the speed limit so just keep up with traffic. Violators will have their foot encased in a lead shoe and glued to the gas pedal of a stationary car while they watch repeated loops of the jump to hyperspace in Return of the Jedi.
3. Phones, drinks, and flossing are activities allowed in cars that are moving - eye makeup in the rearview or eating with chopsticks are not. Violators will be subject to squads of white trash ninja hairdressers who land on the roof of the car, break through the windows, and style the offender's hair into the 80's ratted wave of bangs with badly done blonde highlights. Extra mirrors will be added to the dashboard to complement the effect.
4. If someone lets you in, you must WAVE to acknowledge the niceness of the person letting you in - because really - we could have driven past your sorry ass and left you at the end of the traffic jam. Violators will be tied to the back of a semi and have a bevy (an entire bevy) of schoolchildren jeer at them while sticking out their tongues and chanting selected portions of "All I need to know I learned in kindergarten".
5. Stop signs are for stopping. That's why they're called Stop signs. This may seem elementary, but apparently people in Chicago do not understand this concept. Violators will be forced to spend a month working as a crosswalk guard outside a southside highschool in purple plaid pants.
Really - that should cover my annoyances for the day. I have found that the best method of retaliation when people clearly violate my car's personal space is to stick my tongue out at them. Somehow, the strangeness of this gets through and I at least get the sorry shrug. Ah well.
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